natural (re)born yogi

This WordPress.com site is about my path in life, through yoga and music

Views on body and Self…

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Hello there, let’s start this awaited one with a warning, you’ll have a couple of explicit pictures at the bottom of this one, ok with some « blurred lines », but still… Please read before going down…

We can see many before/after stuff on the internet, some trully inspiring, I’ve got something else for you…
When I started this journey, that allowed me to turn trust and love for a great friend into love for myself, I denied years of low self esteem, low confidence, and I was unable to truly see myself in a mirror, and my Self was behind this smoke screen that a low self esteem is between you and your Self…
Low self esteem is fed by a wrong image of your body. If you don’t truly accept this image as it is, it’s barely impossible to truly see your true Self.
And I really mean you have to accept your body image as it is!! That is a really big deal indeed. When I was in my denying years, sometimes I was feeling really great, feeling appreciated as a quite cool and fun guy, playing good music. And therefore I was accepting a wrong body image, thinking « wow, that guy is quite cool », ignoring my scale, my lack of flexibility, ignoring my knee joints issues, my recurring back pain, painkillers, anti-inflammatory were parts of my life on a quite regular basis.
And it’s really easy to deny something’s wrong, as your body’s there 100% of the time, you don’t see changes as they’re build slowly through years.
Before I started this journey of self acceptance, I could not share with anybody what numbers were on the scale. And getting naked was a sci-fi concept at some point for me. For doctors or for more « private » stuff. As a young adult, it’s quite tough as I look afterwards. I kinda denied myself the right to have any kind of « shared intimacy ».
Then the journey started with the greatest no escape shock therapy for this kind of heavy case… Getting almost half naked in a room full of flexible skinny experimented hot yogis, and also… Full of mirrors! No escape. Just trust and love for a long time friend to support my shaking heart.
I’ve talked enough previously about this shock, with a feeling of deep connection back again between my body and my mind.
That’s were started this journey to meet my true Self.
And the path is not straight!! Sometimes, the wrong body image is back, and the smoke screen between you and your Self blinds you from all your strengths, improvements, and most important in this situation, it blinds you from your most needed support at that point: your friends and family. It seems to me, when I’m down a bit, that I’m as I was before, worth nothing and no one… Or sometimes, a bit different, that’s when my ego kicks, I’m feeling misunderstood, that I’m at the exact opposite, the only one able to see all I’ve done for myself. I’ve kinda been hanging to the positive feedback, to the tremendous love and support I’ve received, and getting addicted to that feeling, getting unable to feel gratitude for the love and support still coming from others as it is not as strong as it was (read « as I expected »). That led me to the downward path again…
Blinded.
Then I looked for some help, I decided to see a shrink.
And with her help I realized how blind I was to all the good things I was already doing for my Self, blind to the beauty of some parts of this path.
And I’ve reached a point looking for a new challenge to a better self acceptance.
A challenge few of us are ready for actually, even the most gorgeous and skinny, bendy ones.
This challenge came to me as an unexpected experience. I was with a friend lying on the grass, enjoying a beautiful sun. I don’t know why those words came to me « I’d love to roll over this grass naked ». My friend « go for it ». No escape…
I did it… She took my cam for a shooting that was a new shock to me. I SAW the changes on my body. Of course I’ve been feeling and accepting those changes within myself, but truly SEE them on a picture is something really different. Of course I’ve had this skin excess for a while, and my own belly was an external concept I didn’t really feel as it is now: skin and fat still hanging underneath, but so much less… On this path, very often, you focus way too much on the goal, you only see the road to go, and you forget to enjoy the path, you forget you started from very very far…

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This entry was posted on May 10, 2014 by and tagged , , , , , .
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